Ponderings of an always trying, always failing, always forgiven Christian.

Admittedly, the title of this post has nothing to do with the contents. I just couldn’t think of anything better.

Something has been nagging me lately- especially when I spend time in prayer. Finally, the feeling manifested itself into more than just a feeling. It became a full-on conviction, and a problem I intend to tackle head on (and hopefully come out on the winning side of).

(Thank you Mr. Del Tackett for this wonderfully phrased question):

“Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?”

This question eats me up on the inside. I know I believe the Bible wholeheartedly. I know I believe Christ died for me. I know I believe that it is only by God’s mercy that I have admittance to even commune with Him. That being said- I’m assuming you believe these things too (assuming you had some foreknowledge of what I write about before you started reading).

I know I believe what I believe. Therein lies the problem. If I truly believe that God, in His infinite mercy, would send His son to die for me, why is it so hard to overcome basic temptations? Why do I feel the need to cuss like a sailor? Why do I struggle with procrastinating? Why can’t I manage to lift the shield of faith and extinguish the flaming arrows that Satan fires my way?

If I believe that when I pray, I am entering the throne room of God to speak with Him, why can I not find the time to pray? Why do I pray more out of habit or need, rather than praying because my adoration and awe of God? Why can’t I “find time” to pray, but I can watch T.V. or search for a car to buy for hours?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, except the answer that seems most apparent- because I am a sinner. I would more quickly prioritize my own needs before the will of the Lord of the Universe. I would much rather indulge and give praise to what makes me feel good in the here and now, rather than giving praise to the God who ensures me life now and forever. It is because I am led on a leash by the whims of this world, and, having been at the right place at the right time, would probably have been chucking stones at Stephen, or I would have been cheering as they nailed the Word of God to a cross.

[Malachi 1:8] When you bring blind animals for sacrifice, is that not wrong? When you sacrifice crippled or diseased animals, is that not wrong? Try offering them to your governor! Would he be pleased with you? Would he accept you?” says the LORD Almighty.

Why do I continue to sin, knowing it is not what the God of the universe would have for me? I believe He knows all I do- past and present- but I would still decide to sin. I let God’s intangibility get to my head. If He is out of sight, He is out of mind is the trap I fall into. If God were a king (Malachi’s mentioned “governor”) I could see and feel, I’m sure I wouldn’t be so quick to sin (until He wasn’t around of course).

There is something that bothers me so deeply about the depravity of man. It is amazing to think that even though we are blessed beyond imagination, beyond comprehension, we would still throw that away. Thank God for God’s mercy though.

I can only pray that God will continue to convict me (and others) to remember His mercy and love, and allow that to transform us from the inside so we might better glorify Him.

I hate being human.