Outside looking in.
Suffice to say, this past month (and a couple of weeks) have been ridiculously stressful. I’ve had to deal with a breakup that completely threw me off physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I found out that I might not graduate if I don’t get some attendance problems figured out. I need to bring in a plethora of books that I owe to my school soon (or risk having to pay $500+). All in all, a rough month.
With all of these goings ons, God has used this time to make me grow. I’ve gained a new fire for God. Given, it still has its high and low points, but I think my new lows are comparable to my former highs. I’m still a mess, but now I have solace in my God, and the feeling is incredible.
I’ve also gained a new passion for worship. Attribute it to my worship leader, Jimmy, making me use a pick to play my guitar (or as he would like to say- God making him making me use a pick), which enhances the quality of the playing, or attribute it to some funky Holy Spirit work going on.
From the outside looking in though, there are plenty of things I still need to work on. Around my non-Christian friends, I curse like a sailor. I’m not wearing a mask around different groups of friends, its just that when I hear people cursing, I fall into that trap very easily. One of my goals is to stop cursing ( or seriously limit it). I still have horrible discipline when it comes to prayer. I don’t do it consistently, and I usually do it when I need something, and that makes me feel horribly ungrateful.
What makes me hurt is that while I see myself growing, I can see others in this rut of spiritual stagnancy. I’m not judging them, I mean, that was me a couple of months ago. I just hate having to see them like that. The thing that hurts the most is that someone who is very close to my heart seems to be going through this spiritual backslide. It worries me, but I guess I will just have to find comfort in the fact that God has a plan.
I feel great about where God is leading me, and I’m glad I don’t control my life.
Too much pressure.
